Tiger Is Going To Bang Suzann Peterson If He Hasn't Already

This is twitter flirting 101. I mean this is exactly how the greats in the game would chalk this play up. Have a shared a experience. Boom, they were partners today. Then compliment the bitch. Done. Mention any type of sexual body part. How does an ass taste? 3 to 1 odds Tiger has her upside down and doing the bulldance with his 8 iron as we speak? I'm taking that bet and riding off into the sunset with my pile of green.

This Dude Has Extra Fingers So He Can Give Your Titties Extra Thumbs Down

BARACOA, Cuba (AP) - They call him "Twenty-Four." Yoandri Hernandez Garrido's nickname comes from the six perfectly formed fingers on each of his hands and the six impeccable toes on each foot.
Hernandez is proud of his extra digits and calls them a blessing, saying they set him apart and enable him to make a living by scrambling up palm trees to cut coconuts and posing for photographs in this eastern Cuban city popular with tourists. One traveler paid $10 for a picture with him, Hernandez said, a bonanza in a country with an average salary of just $20 a month. "It's thanks to my 24 digits that I'm able to make a living, because I have no fixed job," Hernandez said. Known as polydactyly, Hernandez's condition is relatively common, but it's rare for the extra digits to be so perfect. Anyone who glanced quickly at his hands would be hard-pressed to notice anything different unless they paused and started counting. Hernandez said that as a boy he was visited by a prominent Cuban orthopedist who is also one of Fidel Castro's doctors, and he declared that in all his years of travel he had never seen such a case of well-formed polydactyly. "He was very impressed when he saw my fingers," said Hernandez, who is the only one in his family to be born with extra digits. In a part of the world where people's physical traits are often the basis for nicknames - even unflattering ones like "fatty" or "shorty" - "veinticuatro" ("twenty-four" in English) is not an insult but rather a term of endearment, and Hernandez, now 37, said his uniqueness has made him a popular guy. He has a 10-year-old son with a woman who now lives in Havana, and his current girlfriend is expecting his second child. "Since I was young, I understood that it was a privilege to have 24 digits. Nobody has ever discriminated against me for that," he said. "On the contrary, people admire me and I am very proud. I have a million friends, I live well." Nevertheless, it occasionally caused confusion growing up. "One day when I was in primary school, a teacher asked me how much was five plus five?" Hernandez recalled. "I was very young, kind of shy, and I didn't say anything. She told me to count how many fingers I had, so I answered, "12! "The teacher was a little upset, but it was the truth," he said. Hernandez said he hopes he can be an example to children with polydactyly that there's nothing wrong with them. "I think it's what God commanded," he said. "They shouldn't feel bad about anything, because I think it's one of the greatest blessings and they'll be happy in life."

Be prepared to spit out your chocolate milk if you don't already know this fact but my cat has 6 toes on each of his paws. Shit is adorable. He's like the fucking hamburger helper guy with his extra large, white and fluffy paws.  Anyway, I envy the little bastard and the same goes for this communist from Cuba. I'd murder a hobo if it meant I could get an extra finger on each hand. Imagine shaking somebody's hand. They feel that extra finger wrap around and I bet things get real freaky, real fast. And I'm not even gonna start on what it means for cupping body parts but something tells me the most interesting man title might have to be passed on to a new fella.



P.S. Think about cupping a boob and try not to laugh. Can't do it. Same goes for when I hear somebody say "chucking breasts" but I think that's only because I'm the only person who has ever said it in the history of the world.

The Good News Train Keeps On Keepin' On

NORTON, Mass. -- Tiger Woods will play the Frys.com Open in California the first week of October, his first time competing in the PGA Tour's Fall Series as he tries to get his game ready for the Presidents Cup. The Frys.com Open is Oct. 6-9 at CordeValle Golf Club, about 45 minutes south of his alma mater at Stanford. "I always enjoy competing in my home state, and this tournament fits my schedule perfectly," Woods said Monday on his website. "I'm looking forward to seeing some old friends."

Looking forward to seeing some old friends? You old scally wag! This will be the weekend that our boy gets his swagger back. You don't return home as a newly single man with more money than Togs and not roll the dice through a couple old flames. Just doesn't happen. This is exactly what el Tigre needs. 4 days away from his kids and troubles where he can rent out a house on the course with some of his college boys and a couple of bottles of whatever half asian/half blacks drink. Straight kick it Scranton, PA style.

How Did I Miss This Last Week?

US Open begins this week so that means I'll be all about tennis until Andy Roddick enivitably blows up in a 3rd round upset to some shmuck. It also means I have to catch up on the rest of his season since Wimbledon and it kind of looks like he's been playing like me. One second he's playing nice, competitive tennis and the next he's having a complete mental meltdown, slamming balls left and right like it's backyard homerun derby at carriage drive.

WOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

The famous author of "an Unkindness of Ravens" and "The Comet" is returning to Tree Hill? A happy day for all, indeed. Might be the type of news to pull me out of the semi-blog retirement phase I've been going through.

Whoops.

BRISTOL, CT (WFSB) - Bristol officials said they have found one person missing from a canoe carrying two people that overturned on the Pequabuck River.  Officials said one person missing has been found, one is still missing. The National Guard is searching for the other missing person.

Give me one guess at naming the town where 2 dudes took a canoe down a flooded road during a hurricane and I'll tell you it was Torrington. Give me 2 guesses and I'd say it was Torrington or Bristol. Maybe this guy is laying at the bottom of muddy waters, maybe he's at home hiding out from all the shame he'd face from the media. I don't really give a fuck what happens to him either way. I've always said I don't coddle morons, dead or alive. You're not gonna see me saying how much I hope and pray this jackass is alright. Fuck that. How 'bout the 19 year old kid who got pulled into this mess and now is busting his dick to save his ass? What about that kid's family?

Take Away Basketball From The Brothers and This Is What Happens

ATLANTA -- Javaris Crittenton was wanted on a murder charge as police searched on Saturday for the former NBA player in Atlanta and Los Angeles. Crittenton has been charged in the fatal shooting of 22-year Jullian Jones, a mother of four who was gunned down Aug. 19 on an Atlanta street. A spokesman with the Atlanta police said Crittenton was not in custody. Calls to the FBI and U.S. Marshal's office weren't immediately returned. Three of Crittenton's neighbors in Fayetteville said SWAT members executed a search warrant last week on his residence. The neighbors declined to give their names to The Associated Press during interviews near Crittenton's home in an affluent cul-de-sac 17 miles south of Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. No one answered the door at Crittenton's residence, a three-story brick home with a manicured lawn and a small backyard. Crittenton, who spent the 2006-07 season at Georgia Tech and played in 113 NBA games, allegedly killed Jones with shots fired from a dark-colored SUV, police said. According to Atlanta police spokesman Carlos Campos, investigators don't believe Jones was the intended target. His motive, Campos said, appeared to be retaliation for an April robbery in which Crittenton was a victim.

I'm not trying to be racist when I say this but what the fuck did you expect to happen when you suspend basketball from black people? I lived with a bunch of hood, hood black people my freshman year of college so believe when I say there is nothing and I mean nothing they care about more than the NBA. Forget about March Madness and all other college sports. The rest of the country might be obsessed with the NFL but not Javaris Crittenton and all his dark skinned friends. They live and breath the NBA. When they're not debating about whether Lebron could take MJ in his prime then they're playing NBA 2K11 on the Xbox and smoking shitty weed. So what happens when you take it all away from them with no resolution in sight? They revert back to their primal nature. Start acting like they're back in the old country, sharpening knives up for battle with one another and their rival tribes. Javaris Crittenton is just a product of the system and our latest example of the lockout blues.

So Heather and Dustin From The Real World Are Still Dating?

She knows he sucked a dick before, right? And jacked dicks on the internet? I mean she was part of that season of Real World: Vegas so definitely knows what his history is. I just don't understand how you can pretend like that didn't happen. It'd be like dating a hooker but then multiply it times 50 because everybody in the country knows this dude used to pound queers for a living and some hookers are actually acceptable depending on the situation. Am I the only one who thinks it's absolutely bizarre that these two are still together? I haven't been more shocked or disgusted by a couple getting together since you know who popped up on my news feed in May after months and months of telling me how much she was disgusted by this crackhead/rehab reject/house squatter named James. Shots fired.I'm back.

Rory Bagged His Chick Via Twitter?

The world’s hottest golfing superstar Rory McIlroy is dating the world’s hottest tennis star – just days after dumping his childhood sweetheart. Rory, 22, hooked up with glamorous Caroline Wozniacki, 21, on the final day of the British Open. They were spotted sharing a kiss after an intimate dinner in London last ­Sunday. US Open champ Rory’s management confirmed his split from Holly Sweeney just before the contest in ­Sandwich, Kent. The statement said the break-up was “amicable” though Holly, Rory’s girlfriend of six years, has acknowledged that he dumped her. She has moved out of his ­£3million home in ­County Down and is on holiday in ­Dubai. Rory met Caroline – ranked world No1 in women’s tennis – at the world heavyweight ­boxing title match ­between David Haye and Wladimir Klitschko in Germany on July 2. At the time Caroline posted on Twitter: “Fantastic fight! Also met Rory McIlroy, who was sitting just behind me :) Really down to earth great guy :)” They started flirting on Twitter with McIlroy congratulating the Dane on her 21st birthday on July 11, joking: “You’re getting old.” She responded by telling him he could buy her a legal drink in the US “as well as Hamburg”. Rory ditched Holly at Christmas only to later admit he had made “the biggest mistake”. In a TV ­documentary, the golf sensation admitted: “I had to do a lot of begging and grovelling to get her back.” After his historic win at the US Open last month with the lowest four-day score in its 116-year history, he praised Holly for helping keep his feet on the ground.

I've said it a million times before. If you're twitter game is strong then you're already half way down the road to getting your balls tickled and you're a leg up on every other dude who doesn't use it. I hate Rory but I aint mad at him for dumping his hometown lady and hooking up with a superstar through Twitter because it's just a sign of the times. Shit like this is enivitable when you're throwing little nibbles out there about your life 24/7. Example time. Rory says something about hitting balls at the range and then you got Caroline reading it and now she's thinking about him. 2 weeks later she tweets at him and they have some flirty exchange. Probably some silly bet about him owing her a drink. Something to see if the interest in there. 2 weeks after that they got each other's cell phone numbers with Rory sending her pictures of his tiny dick and a year down the road he knocks her up and we're talking about this new power couple in sports. Now you're nodding your in agreement and questioning why I'm not some sociology whiz at Princeton.

Ashamed.

Really? We're gonna let a little wind and water hold me back from getting an education? I could see if something named Hurricane Hector was coming for our ass but this is Irene. We're tucking our dicks in and running from some stuck up bitch on her period? That's not how I roll. Just not how I was raised. You can lock me out of the classroom but you can't stop a true fighter from entering the ring. You wanna get fucking crazy, Irene? I'll get fucking crazy. I bow to no man and I certainly don't answer to anything with a vagina and a pair of fun bags that leak milk. I also don't bow to the french or native americans. Not my kind of people.

ZOING!

It's like the late great President Billy Taft once said, "I enjoy a well aged ass as much as I enjoy the 16th amendment."

WHAT A QUAKE!

HARTFORD, CT (WFSB) - Connecticut residents have reported feeling an earthquake that hit the Washington D.C. area on Tuesday afternoon. The earthquake was 5.9 in magnitude and occurred just before 2 p.m., according to the United States Geological Survey. The earthquake was centered near Mineral, Va., about 87 miles from Washington, D.C. Residents in places like Stamford, New Haven, Milford, Windsor Locks, Hartford and Manchester all reported feeling the ground move after the earthquake struck in Virginia. One witness in New Haven said lights and props inside Long Wharf Theatre began to sway, and a witness in South Windsor said blinds shook as she watched television inside her home. Gov. Dannel Malloy issued a statement just after the quake and said, "The movement people in Connecticut felt was associated with the earthquake, which originated in Virginia. Department of Emergency Services and Public Protection staff is at the Emergency Operations Center as a precaution, but at this point, there have been no reports of injury or damage."



Best part of the earthquake? It prompted me to youtube "You Shook Me All Night Long" and found out the person who uploaded the video goes by the name of AnimalCrazedLover. And I feel like that's pretty much par for the course for all AC/DC fans, you know what I mean? Just a totally different breed of mammal.





P.S. I'm not gonna be the one making fun of everybody who posts/tweets about the earthquake like it was something to write home about. I'm gonna be the guy who takes a giant shit on the people who try to act all super cool and nonchalant like it wasn't a big deal and everyone is lame for talking about it. Hey dickhead, this is Connecticut, where a 3 car crash on 84 is breaking news. This aint Cali. A minor earthquake is a big fucking deal. Stop trying to be the baddest brah in the room.

I Just Saw This and Had To Post It ASAP

It's a party? a 750 of Kettle One and 4 diet Red Bulls makes it a party? Did you just walk into the backyard with that cooler like you were walking off a construction site at lunch time? And I'll never understand people who spend the dough for Kettle One only to mix it with some energy drink bullshit or some juice cocktail. That actually explains why nobody is at the party. You're a moron.


P.S. can't go wrong with a jar of cherrys. You old lady killer!

If Anybody Needs To Know How To Post Comments On My Blog Then Refer To This

Well now you don't have an excuse to not comment because E-money just spiked the ball on your ass for game, set, match.

Jersey Shore Live Blog Is Back? Jersey Shore Live Blog is Back.

-Did Snooki gain like half a brain this season? One minute she's going to the gym and the next she's forming real adult sentences over lunch with Ronnie, all the while avoiding The Situation. Bizzaro world.

-Vinny and Pauly find new entertainment this season in a mini Foosball table which would be cool if ya know, is Pauly wasn't a 32 year old man with a 7th graders maturity level.

-How much weight has JWoww lost? And how much of it was legitimate? And is it possible that all that weight was transferred to Sammi's gut?

-Sammi and Ronnie have a drunken talk in the club and promise to talk tomorrow. Countdown to the death of Single Ronnie is at 15 minutes.

-Deena hooks up with the creepy looking waiter she met earlier in the day. I don't know what "Jersey turnpiking" somebody means but apparently it works on grimey Italian dudes who want to be on American television.

-Situation's chick shows up with her twin, to which Pauly coins the phrase "Twinning!" OH MY GOD HE'S SO CLEVER! How many high school kids posted that as their facebook status after?

-Most underrated exchange between two cas tmembers of the season right here. Deena walks out of her room and says "First of all, I wasn't doing sex" then Pauly sneakily responds with "stop wasting his time then" and nobody catches it.

-The twins show up to the house and surprise The Situation. My mom walked in on this scene and said, "what's wrong with him? Didn't he used to be kind of together?" Ya mom. He did.

-Is it just me or does everybody seem absolutely zonked out of their minds until they're get ready to go out? I'd go 2 to 1 odds half of them are on celebrity rehab by 2013.

-The Situation smokes ciggarettes like a stuck up black bitch named Bianca. Right? Just go with it.

-Sammi and Ronnie talk over dinner. She says she's not that girl from Jersey and she's completely changed. Yeah you're like twice the person you were in jersey when it comes to pounds.

-This just shows how fake and scripted this show is. You mean to tell me they broke up for like 4 months, didn't speak or randomly bang and all it took was one lunch date and a simple "I've changed" bullsh line to get back together? Really? OK.

-I don't think The Situation has ever properly worn a pair of sunglasses. The go over your eyes, bro. Not hanging off your nose like Grandma.

-Deena ends up snatching one of the twins and turns her into a lesbo or lesbionic. Then she says she's not a lesbian because she loves dick but she's curious. That's like a dude saying he's not gay but he'd totally suck a dick for shits and giggles.

-Ronnie spills the beans about The Situation telling him how he hooked up with Snooki two months ago.

-Jwoww tells Snooki that Mike told Ronnie about hooking up and Snooki immediately denies it, which is clearly for the cameras because Jwoww has a look on her face like, "c'mon. I know what happened but I'm gonna be quiet to keep the drama going."

-"Everybody knows The Situation is not a liar." He does have a point. Dude might be a little bitch when it comes to being a rat but he's always spot on with honesty.


-The Situation also has a friend named "Unit" which could mean a lot of different things. The end of live blog.

Do I Need a Facebook Fan Page?

Making a fan page is actually my biggest fear next to alien invasion and getting trapped in an oil painting because it'll be the defining statistic that tells if people like me and the blog. If they do then great. Let's go crazy on each other. But if they don't then this whole operation is fucked. I'm a sensitive motherfucker. Stross told me I wasn't the hottest guy at our lunch table 5th grade  and it's stuck with me ever since. Now I'm always checking out the scene for better looking dudes wherever I go. Just a man made of glass underneath this false bravado. That's me in a nut shell.What I'm saying is iff I think 10 people hate me then that's enough to take the wind right out of my sails. Hang up the jock strap and move on to the real world or something. Those 10 cunt muscles will stick with me a lot longer than the 125 other loyal readers. It's also why I never tweet new posts or shit like that because all it takes is one person to say something ugly and it'll fuck my whole week up and you don't want to see me when I'm having a fucked up week. But the flip side of it all is what if people love it? This is exactly why I need another blogger/sidekick/chick with nice titties to help me analyze a pros and cons list.

Robbie Keane Is Playing For The Galaxy Now? That's Kind of Awesome

CARSON, Calif. -- Robbie Keane received his visa Wednesday, will arrive in Los Angeles on Thursday, train for the first time with his new Galaxy teammates Friday and be available to play Saturday.
The Irish forward, signed late last week from Tottenham, likely will make his Major League Soccer debut against the San Jose Earthquakes on Saturday night at Home Depot Center. His acquisition was finalized Sunday and announced Monday, and it forced L.A. to trade Colombian forward Juan Pablo Angel to the cross-stadium rival Chivas USA to open up a Designated Player slot. Angel's trade, for a third-round selection in next year's supplemental draft, was completed Monday but wasn't announced until Wednesday morning.

 Captain of the Ireland national team and all time leading scorer. Need I say anything more about why I love him? And am I the only one who watches MLS? It's not as bad as you think. Quality of play has gone way the fuck up in the past 5 years and LA is loaded with a mix of veteran and young talent. American players like Landon Donovan, Hedjuk and Omar Gonzalez then you got your European vets in Becks and Keane and add it in with a pair of young brazilians named Leonardo and Juninho. Oh and the goalie is Jamaican so that's nice.




P.S. I forgot who I was talking to at the bar last week but Juan Agudelo is the Red Bulls player I was thinking of. Keep an eye out.

Eli Says He's a Premier QB......

Eli Manning is a top-caliber quarterback. Well, at least he says he is. The New York Giants quarterback didn't shy away when, as a Tuesday guest on "The Michael Kay Show" on ESPN New York 1050, he was asked if he is in the same class as three-time Super Bowl champion Tom Brady.  "I consider myself in that class," said Manning, the MVP of Super Bowl XLII. "Tom Brady is a great quarterback, he's a great player and what you've seen with him is he's gotten better every year. He started off winning championships and I think he's a better quarterback now than what he was, in all honesty, when he was winning those championships. "I think now he's grown up and gotten better every year and that's what I'm trying to do. I kind of hope these next seven years of my quarterback days are my best." While Manning is regarded as a very good quarterback by many -- he has led the Giants to the playoffs in four of his seven seasons as the full-time starter -- there is often hesitation to place him among the elite in the game. Manning was fifth in the league in passing yards (4,002) and fourth in touchdown passes (31) last season, but his 25 interceptions is the number that jumps out the most. When explaining why he feels he's an elite quarterback, Manning said the Giants have an offense that puts him in a good situation. Their physical run game opens the play-action, a facet of the game that he performs well in. He recalled just one interception on play-action and said he's good with the ball in those situations.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. The only way Eli is in the same class as Tom Terrific is if Tom is teaching greatness 101 and Eli is sitting in the back row with a 0.0 GPA. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAA. GET ME SOME ASPIRIN, I'M GONNA HAVE A HEART ATTACK FROM LAUGHING SO HARD!

Raise Your Hand If You Saw This Coming Part 2

MIAMI -- Miami Hurricanes coach Al Golden says some of his players may have made mistakes that prompted an NCAA investigation into convicted Ponzi schemer Nevin Shapiro's role with the program. Golden, preparing for his first season with the Hurricanes, said he just became aware of the investigation into allegations that Shapiro gave more than a dozen former or current players gifts and services. "We're not going to let this knock us backward," Golden said Tuesday before a morning practice. "We have great kids on this team to the extent that they may have made a mistake. OK, that's fine. But that's also part of growing up. What we have to teach them now is if something did occur, let's be honest and move forward." NCAA investigators visited the campus Monday in the wake of Shapiro's allegations that he provided players with the use of a yacht and other favors, said his attorney, Maria Elena Perez. Shapiro and Perez have been talking with the NCAA about the matter for a couple of months and provided documentation, she said.



I'm honestly shocked this wasn't a story like 10 years ago. I thought this type of shit was acceptable at the U? Sad to see such a leak in this iron clad ship. In the words of President Obama, "Somebody be snitchin yo." He said that.

Only Mark Recchi Can Pull This Off

This is the only way to ride off into the sunset. Play until you're 43, be respected by all, win Lord Stanley 3 times then go get it tatted on your leg like a real motherfucking G. Hockey players are the coolest, most down to earth dudes on the planet.

Raise Your Hand If You Saw This Coming

Russell Armstrong, the estranged husband of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Taylor Armstrong, was found dead in his Mulholland Drive apartment on Monday, the Los Angeles Coroner's Office confirms to The Hollywood Reporter. He was 47. TMZ.com cites sources saying that he hanged himself in his bedroom. Taylor filed for divorce last month, alleging that Russell physically abused her. She was informed by authorities of his death Monday night. Bravo's Real Housewives on Monday announced a three-city tour to kick off this fall.


 If you're not like me and actually have a brain/pair of balls then you probably couldn't pick this guy out of a lineup but you should because I'm pretty sure I blogged about his creepy mug like 5 different times. And if I actually gave a shit about putting a real effort into this blog then I'd pull up the exact link and quote but it went something along the lines of "This Russel character freaks the jizz out of my nut sack. I feel like we're gonna find out he's been the most elusive serial killer in California or he'll start a Jim Jones type cult and end it all with mass suicide." There was also a golden line in there about comparing him to a Criminal Minds character but I forget the rest of it. Well did I do it again or did I do it again? Score 1 for me and -10 for Russel Armstrong. Got a feeling  he won't be coming back to beat me in this life.



P.S. Don't give me some bullshit about how I have no morals and how insensitive this post it. I don't give a shit. Suicide is for suckers. It's the most selfish act a person can do. You don't wanna take part is this big thing called life because it seems shitty right now then fuck you. Absolutely no sympathy from me. Way to walk out on your family.

Is Newman Just an Older and Larger Version of Togs?

Bottom line is this. Our fantasy football draft is Thursday night and I needed something to heat things up a bit, ya know what I mean. Get the fucking pot sturring. Light the kettle. Fire up the up the grill. I think this will do for now

The BJD Is Crushing Me At Life Right Now

You know what I did Saturday night because I was too hungover/being a sad little bitch? I watched Zombieland, Road To Perdition, Teen Mom, and some movie called Twelve. That's what I did. BWill was dry humping himself to greatness in a scene from the movie Hostel and taking no prisoners in the process. 18 is such a wonderful age. Breathe it in deep and remember to not exhale too quickly.

Love. This.

On last year's playoff loss to the New York Jets:
"The Jets, I'll never get over that loss. That's as painful as a loss as I think we've ever had here as a team. They can rush the passer. They're a good team. They pressure the quarterback, that's what we have to be prepared for with them. And they always try and find a way to confuse the quarterback, whether that's by pass rush, whether that's by coverage and often times both. We gave them a lot of credit when they won and I think we have to learn from that and understand what it takes to beat good teams under tough conditions. That's what we have to try and accomplish this year."

This is for everybody who wants to make fun of Tom Terrific and say he doesn't care about football now that he has a super model wife and killer dance moves from Brazil.  News flash: Nobody in the world gives a fuck about winning more than #12. Averages joes like Jay Cutler are spending their summers toting around that slutbag from The Hills but not Tom Brady. Just when you think he's out on the beach with his lady, he's holed up in his underground film room, dissecting every play the Jets ran against him because that's what winners do. That's what 3 time Super Bowl winners do. That's what unanimous NFL MVP winners do. Take notes, Sanchize.

Anybody Want To Come To O.D.'s Bday Party With Me?

I was sold when I saw Pionera Lounge in Bridgeport, CT from 9:00 to 3:00 AM. Nothing ever goes wrong in bridgeport clubs between that sweet 6 hour period. And who's OD you ask? Not sure. I know it was probably a mass facebook event invite to all his friends but what if it wasn't? What if Millz remembers me from freshman year? What is it's some elaborate assassination plot? He refused to call me anything but Wally Szcerbiak because I was white, short, partially good looking and was absolutely terrified of going into the paint against the dark boys of New Haven. He knows this face. Regardless, I don't think I'd be able to get in because all I own are plain t-shirts and I got a funny feeling they wont be serving an abundant amount of Bud Heavy A.K.A The only brown thing that's coming near my mouth all night/all my life.

This Motherfucker Just Won The PGA Championship In Dramatic Fashion

Just a sign of things to come. Boston is on top once again and will forever remain there.

Time To Go Back To Sunday Night Bread and Butter. Hating All Of You.,

He's talking about me, right? I know I don't ever post facebook status' but talking shit is pretty much what this blog is all about. No doubt in my mind Tim Tebow is coming for my ass and something tells me he could dent up this pretty little 145 pound ferrari.

Insert gay porn/climax joke here.

I actually have a huge problem with this and it has nothing to do that this chunk is over the weight limit to ride this roller coaster. The rain only makes it better? That's such a fucking lie, it's not even funny. Blatant dishonesty on her part. Rain sucks. Nothing is better in the rain. True story: once left a party to chase a gal and made out in the rain. You know what would have made that story 10 times better? If I wasn't soaked for the rest of the night after I came back inside. Rain is the worst and tailgating in the rain ranks right up there with tailgating in sub 20 degree temperatures as things you couldn't pay me to do.

Whoops! Silly you!

We're Just Two Lost Souls

Life just isn't fun without Tiger. And I don't mean 2011 Tiger. I mean 2008 Tiger when he was virtually untouchable on a personal, physical and mental level. Dude was a brick wall of dominance. Nothing got to him. Ogling Ed Hochuli was the same. But things done changed. He can't hit a fairway to save his dick and if I used to home run blogs every time I stepped up then now I'm slapping slow dribblers down the 3rd base line all while pulling up lame with a torn hammy. Simply lost out there. No hopes. No dreams. Terrified I won't get my stroke back until el Tigre gets his.

Am I The Only One Who Thinks JWoww Needs To Kick Her Cocaine Addiction?

JWoww has undergone a huge transformation since last season’s Jersey Shore. Dropping 20lbs and toning her bod is just the beginning..there are also speculations that she had Botox and possible fillers around her nose and mouth. The 25-year old reality star says of her secret to weight loss, “I’ll still eat junk food, cheesecake, cheese, pizza, but just lower amounts of it.” Jenni says she also takes an Ab Cuts nutritional supplement once or twice a day. “It’s for overall health and for feeling good about yourself.”

 I'm not gonna name names but I've seen chicks lose weight and it's never by continuing to eat junk food but just lower amounts of it. How the fuck does that work? You know who says shit like that? Dumb sluts who like the booger sugar or dumb sluts who like to down a slice a pizza then chuck that shit up in the toilet 30 minutes later.  You don't lose 20 pounds in a month by cutting out 50% of your Cheetos intake. Just doesn't happen. And doesn't Jwoww just seem zonked out of her mind this season? I feel like half of her words are slurred like she's just rolling out of bed after getting slammed in the ass or something. I don't know. This trend seems to be going around these days.

Killing It!

JOHNS CREEK, Ga. — One hour after he started, Tiger Woods was atop the leaderboard Thursday at the PGA Championship and felt like the Tiger of old. He never imagined he would end up with his worst score ever in the opening round of a major. He opened with three birdies in five holes. He followed with three double bogeys over the next 10 holes. Woods started out with his name high on the board, right next to Steve Stricker, who went on to tie a major championship record with 63. He wound up toward the bottom, next to John Daly and 57-year-old Jerry Pate, with a 77. It was his highest round in a major since Woods shot an 81 in the vicious wind and pelting rain of Muirfield in the third round of the British Open nine years ago. And it was no mystery to him how it all happened. "Got off to a great start today, was 3 under early, was having mechanical thoughts through those holes … and I thought, 'I can let it go' and play by instinct and feel," he said. "And it just screwed up my whole round. I'm not at that point where I can do that yet."

You're not at the point where you can go off instinct and feel yet? Hey bro, you're Tiger Woods. You're the greatest golfer ever. Get out of your head. Tomorrow morning I want you to reach down in your pants and remind yourself you have big brass balls. The type of balls that won you 14 majors and gave you the confidence to slam every piece of pussy on both sides of the Nile.


P.S. That look of Tiger's face in the picture is pretty much identical to mine 87% of my day. 

I Take Back What I Said About Not Knowing If Emma Stone Was Hot Or Not.

Saw Easy A for the first time like last week. Uhhmmmm loved it. Underrated as shit and it doesn't even count as a chick flick, does it? Totally went against my theory that a bitch can't carry a movie by herself but she rocked every minute. And it's not like she had any hot scenes or changed her appearance to make her more appealing. Just seems like a funny, smart, down to earth broad with a dope personality. Now add that into the equation of her being borderline hollywood hot and we got ourselves a winner. I'm in love with her. Head over heels, go back in time, take me to prom, go down on me and I might return the favor type love. I'm starting to think beauty is all about the face and personality. Maybe I'm growing up? I might even go see The Help this weekend to spend another 120 minutes with that ass.


P.S. She'd need to totally get a boob job if we dated. Fuck what I said about growing up.

This Picture Is Worth a Thousand Words. But I'm Gonna Go For 100.

Overrated,  Soft, Unsure. Nobody. Pussy. Shitty. Dickhead. Fucktard. Annoying. Jesus didn’t save you. afraid, apprehensive, basket case, bothered, concerning, distressed, disturbed,  fidgety, fitful, flustered, high-strung,  irritating, jittery, jumpy, nervy, on edge, overwrought, querulous, restive, ruffled, sensitive, shaky,  shrinking, spooked, timid, , unrestful, unstrung, upset, uptight, volatile, weak, wired, worried, HYPED UP, pumped up, homoerotic, switch hitting, epicene, failure, bombed, no good, insufficient, sinking ship, stalemate, stoppage, total loss, turkey, washout, misadventure, miscarriage, misstep, nonperformance, nonsuccess.  And the only person that makes me rather hangout with Vinny from Jersey Shore because he’s just an once more for interesting than your sister christian, all is good, bullshit routine. 

Big ups to the online thesaurus. This post took exactly 140 seconds. Whammy.

Long Sigh.

Page views are way down. These other junior wannabe blogs are getting more love than I've ever gotten and I feel like I can't mash it anymore. Was that message in a bottle blog one of the best ever? I don't know. Maybe that's the problem. I don't what's considered top shelf shit anymore. It's like when Gretz moved to the New York Rangers. He' been great for so long, he didn't know if he was still great because nobody was showing the love like they used to. It was just expected that he'd always deliver and he always would. I feel ya bro. It's not my game is deteriorating, it's just not improving because it can't. Even Jesus didn't jazz up his footwork once he from being a carpenter to fucking walking on water.

Bizarre.

Known fact I only like chicks who are shorter than me. But this takes my rule to the extreme and lights it on fire. I don't get it. I bet Shaq takes shits that are longer than her. I have like 5 more jokes to add to this post that involve shit and the color brown but I'm sick of being called racist so I'll stop.

For All You Who Don't Believe In The Power Of Fate and Love

KAILUA-KONA, Hawaii (AP) - A 10-year-old Oregon boy scribbled a note on binder paper, stuck it into a bottle and tossed it into the ocean. A year later and 2,000 miles away, a 9-year-old girl exploring a Hawaii shoreline found the bottle floating in a tide pool. Since then, the two children have been exchanging emails and plan to become pen pals, West Hawaii Today  reported Monday. Thomas Craig, now 11, of Silverton Ore., told the newspaper he hadn't thought much about his message in the bottle he threw into Winchester Bay during a family fishing trip until he recently received an email from Trinity Ballesteros, of Kailua-Kona. "I couldn't believe someone had found it. I was shocked," he said. "When I threw it overboard, it hit the top of my grandpa's boat so I thought it broke and sank. The chances of someone finding it seemed like a once-in-a-million type thing." Trinity was beachcombing along the shore in front of the Queen Liliuokalani Children's Center in Kailua-Kona when she spotted the old fashioned-looking bottle. "My first thought was what if someone is really in trouble and they're sending out an SOS," she said. "Would I even be able to help? Were they lost at sea or stuck on a deserted island? Were they even in Hawaii?" Surrounded by friends and family, Trinity opened the bottle and found the letter, which read, "Dear finder of my message, My name is Thomas and I live in Oregon. I'm ten years old and this week I'm salmon fishing deep in the ocean. I would like to hear from you."

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I was digging this story, I really was.  Boy drops a bottle into the ocean while on a fishing trip in Oregon then 1 year later, a hopeless young girl finds it on the shores of Hawaii and suddenly the world she once knew, expands and and long lost dreams suddenly become real. Total storybook shit. Then I read what the needle dick dork wrote on the letter and saw the girls reaction. Yeah they might be meant for each other but only because they're fucking morons. Let's begin with our cassanova named Thomas. He writes, ""Dear finder of my message, My name is Thomas and I live in Oregon. I'm ten years old and this week I'm salmon fishing deep in the ocean. I would like to hear from you." WHAT?!?! That's what you fucking write? You have one shot at love and you say you're a 10 year old boy from Oregon who enjoys fishing and would like to hear back? What is James Fucksyoungboys finds that bottle off the coast of Portland? I think you're gonna get a response and get a response quick, bro. And don't worry about finding him cause I'm sure he'll find you first. Look for the big white van with no windows. I don't wanna let this little bitch get off the hook here either. How 'bout her reaction to the bottle? "My first thought was what if someone is really in trouble and they're sending out an SOS," she said. "Would I even be able to help? Were they lost at sea or stuck on a deserted island? Were they even in Hawaii?" Uhhhh yeah. You're gonna save somebody if they're in trouble? You're 9 with a vagina. You aint saving the peanut butter off your sandwich, bitch. And even if they were in deep shit, you'd think they'd write a letter and send it in a fucking Corona bottle? Are you high? Wake the fuck up.

Am I The Only One Who Started Laughing To The Thought Of 84 Year Old Joe Pa Getting Run The Fuck Over?

Penn State coach Joe Paterno suffered injuries to his right shoulder and hip when a receiver ran into him during practice Sunday. Paterno was "blindsided" by a player running a drill but "walked away after the collision," according to a statement released Monday by the team. Paterno sustained a hairline fracture to his pelvis, sources told ESPN's Chris Fowler.  But the 84-year-old coach was not expected to require surgery, said Dr. Wayne Sebastianelli, Penn State's director of athletic medicine. A team spokesman said he would likely be released by Tuesday afternoon. Paterno was taking notes when receiver Devon Smith, a 5-foot-7, 157-pound junior, ran into the coach. Paterno walked off the field at the end of practice but was cornered by physicians who insisted he be examined.

Nothing worse than getting blindsided. It's all sorts of embarrassing, painful, and just straight up infuriating. But I will say the thought of an 84 year old little italian shit getting knocked over is comedic gold. Old people falling does it for me. Little kids falling down and crying is sad but old man river getting his hip popped back into place after getting pain trained is just the opposite. You can't help but laugh. Maybe it's because old people fall so slowly? You're never gonna see one fall down and pop up fast. It's like a process whenever they get hit. First there's the sudden contact, then the croaky ass moan like "oohh nooooo" followed by crinkly bones hitting the pavement and it all ends with the worst bitch stare down you've ever seen. I'm not even kidding. If you accidentally tap somebody over the age of 75, it's like you shoved a dildo in their ass without them knowing and burned a cross on their lawn. That's the level of disgust they have for you. It's bizarre.

Well Now We're Done.

I'd rather my lady of the night pack fucking pounds of tobacco in her gums than have her smoke cigarettes. I'll never understand the reasoning for smoking those shit sticks. I'd even prefer to have Hayden smoke weed and exhale all over my grill because we can both get a little something out it. All you're doing to me when you hit a cigarette is pass that cancer all over the place while looking like a fucking dickhead. Nobody likes a fucking dickhead.


P.S. What's going on with the hair there? 2011  Latrell Spreewell?

Are The Sox Seriously 10-2 Against The Yanks This Season? Is It Even Fair?

It's almost at the point where I don't even hate New York as much as I used to. I mean how many times can you beat up on your ugly stepbrother before you start to feel bad about it? It's just not fun to watch and it's become a bit of a joke. CC Sabathia was virtually untouchable until he got to Fenway but then he found out what it's like to go up against big league hitting. What's that all about? I guess we're that much better than everyone else? You let me point guard the harbur middle school team and I guarantee I'd average about a triple double and hit those slutty cheerleaders all night but make me go up against guys my own age and fucks like Shabazz Napier would whipe the floor with my firm white ass. The bottom line is New York plays Triple A ball. We're the Major Leagues. Give me a fucking ring.